This was written on 5/26/08.

So Troy and I tried to get out and do something “normal” yesterday. We went to the movies to watch the new Indiana Jones movie. Sadly enough we used a gift certificate that Mandy gave me 4 years ago. Anyway, we went to Starbuck’s to get a drink since we had gotten there early. I saw this little girl running around outside. She didn’t look anything like my kids, she was way older than Eliana, and I wasn’t even thinking about my baby at that moment. But I saw this girl and just started crying. In the middle of Starbuck’s. I don’t think anyone saw me, but yikes. And then we’re sitting in the theater watching this action movie. One of the characters was talking about someone who had died. The other guy says “I guess we’ve gotten to the age where life starts taking things away from us instead of giving them to us.” I started crying again. In the middle of a movie theater, watching Indiana Jones for Pete’s sake! How embarrassing is that? Maybe I’ll start watching only tear jerkers so at least I won’t look like a freak bawling in the movie theater.

And anyway, back to what the character said. Am I at that age? Already? Should I just start expecting to lose people I love? I knew it would happen at some point, but was I being naive to think that it wouldn’t start happening at 31? That maybe I had a few more years before being confronted by death?

I was happier being naive. I feel like Eve in the garden. My eyes have been opened, and I hate what I see. I’d give anything to go back to the blissful fog where bad things only happened to other people and clever theologians could explain everything away. Stupid apple.