My cell phone does not always tell me when I have messages. So Friday at 5:15pm I checked to see if I had any. I did have one. It was a call from the doctor’s office.

I recently took my other two kids to the pulmonary doctors that had seen Eliana in the hospital. I wanted them to check for the same issues that she had. They did several tests, which went well, and an X-ray right before we left.

So anyway, the message from their office says to please call them back about Rebeckah. It didn’t say “about the test results” or “about Elisabeth and Rebeckah.” Just “call them back about Rebeckah.” It being Friday after 5, they were gone, gone, gone, not to return until Monday morning.

Needless to say, I spent the whole weekend wondering and worrying. What if she has stenosis too? What if she needs surgery? What if she dies? How will I survive it happening again? I’d try to put it out of my head for a while, but every time I looked at her the fear would start to balloon up again.

I planned to call the office Monday morning right at 8am. But when the time came I felt a little shaky, so I decided to eat first. Then I felt like I was going to throw up, so I put it off a little longer. It took me a good two hours before I got up the nerve to call their office.

As it turns out, Rebeckah’s throat culture was positive for bacteria, and they wanted to give us a prescription for antibiotics. Both of their X-rays were normal. I almost crumpled from relief.

So there it is, my weekend of fear. I still don’t know what I would have done if the news had been different. Thank God I didn’t have to find out.

Still, this once again makes it glaringly obvious how different life is after you’ve lost a child. Before: the doctor’s office calls and you wonder what your kid is coming down with. After: the doctor’s office calls and you wonder if your child is going to die, and how you will live through it….again. Welcome to the “new normal.” It stinks. =(

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